maybe not sorry
Itβs threading into my consciousness that the most common way to say βIβm sorryβ in Spanish translates linguistically as βI feel itβ.
Lo siento.
I canβt help but weigh that kind of empathic emotionality against my grandpaternal language of Italian, where mi dispiace has a connotation of displeasureβ¦ a deeply embedded spin, editorializing the apology straight in the direction of antipathy (towards oneself).
From there I lean into my maternal DNA. Having known Grandma Schelert well, Iβm unsurprised to learn of the sorrow/pity being βdone to meβ by the German es tut mir Leidβ¦ not to mention βgetting rid of the guiltβ carried within Entschuldigung.
I know enough Germanic and Latin-based etymology to parse a few more sorries here:
the Dutch go for a regretful tone (het spijt me)
the Portuguese ask to be excused for their faults (desculpe)
the French imply that theyβre distressed, even disconsolate (je suis dΓ©solΓ©)
In my current primary language and culture, sorry is sorrily diffused. Although words like βregretβ and βpardonβ and βforgiveβ are well-known, in American English βsorryβ is ubiquitously used for everything from βOops, I bumped your legβ to βI said Iβd never leave you and then, well, I did.β (Oops.)
The common apology is just the beginning in any languageβ no matter the tongue, there are countless angles to take anytime we acknowledge a mistake, a communication gap, a harm done.
If Iβm Listening, which is the way I like it these days, lo siento decides itβs just the beginning. Only after feeling it do I have a chance of learning, through empathy, my impact on youβ¦
β¦ whether the thing Iβm sorry for was a tiny transient poke or more like I ripped your heart out.
β¦ whether past trauma plays into how my actions landed on (in) you.
β¦ whether direct restitution could help with the healing.
β¦ whether this reckoning might be a two-way street.
β¦ whether the intimacy of our relationship might need to change in some way.
All this to say, starting now, if I convey lo siento in any languageβ lo sento, ich fΓΌhle es, je le sensβ youβll know Iβm really feelinβ it.