maybe not sorry (reprise)
Empathy for others, most poignantly when we cause harm. We feel it.
Empathy for ourselves. This living is NOT easy.
Empathic apology includes both.
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In the culture I’m in, we tend to share our intentions first… “I’m so sorry, I forgot, I was held up, I was under a lot of stress.”
These factors, when genuine, are important. No one wants to feel like these things were on purpose. And we all want the freedom to be human.
For balance, I’ve been experimenting with adding an equal focus on impact (usually leading with it, in fact)... “Please feel free to share how my mistake affected you, and how I might make it up to you.”
I’ve noticed that when I focus solely on my intentions (which I know already are Good), I might speculate on how those on the receiving end of my mistake feel. But I don’t really know.
When people feel safe enough to respond with how my behavior impacted them (even if it didn’t bother them a whit), I get an opportunity to understand them better. And I have a truly tangible awareness on which to build relationship.
***
Make no mistake… I keep making mistakes, and I totally still get defensive if I’m afraid someone won’t be able to empathize with my human fallibility, or will allow their fear to blind them to my essential integrity.
***
It stands to reason that our impulse might be to avoid learning about the ways we’ve hurt someone or caused them problems— because if we have any compassion, we might feel guilty— and sometimes beyond that, ohhhh the Shame.
But Empathy knows no Reason. As the muscle I flex when I Listen for my impact AND my own LOVEing intention gets stronger— ohhhh the LIBERATION!!
jewels & soft blankets
